Drowning
by D.D. Darcy
Summary: The night after 'Small Victories'


Drowning by D.D. Darcy 

Drowning by 

**D.D. Darcy**

  


**TITLE:** Drowning  
**AUTHOR:** D.D. Darcy  
**EMAIL:** siamkatze_33@yahoo.com  
**DATE:** finished March 7, 2001  
**ARCHIVE:** Yes to Heliopolis, Stargatefan and Fanfiction.net; please link to http://www.geocities.com/siamkatze_33/fanfic/drowning.html (all others please ask)  
**CATEGORY:** Missing Scene  
**SPOILERS:** Small Victories  
**SEASON/SEQUEL INFO:** 4th season  
**RATING:** PG  
**CONTENT WARNING:** language, but not too bad  
**SUMMARY:** The night after "Small Victories".  
**DISCLAIMER:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was written for entertainment purposes only and no money was made from this. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission of the author.  
**AUTHOR'S NOTES:** Apologies in advance for anything you don't understand. English is not my first language! Feedback (positive or negative) is welcome, flames will be ignored. Please put "To D.D. Darcy" in the subject line if you want to email me. Thanks to Siamkatze for betaing. Thanks to Chrys for help with the language.  
  
***  
  
No! Not again!  
  
The door bell rang for the third time. I rose from the couch, finally feeling rage building up in my mind, suppressing all my other thoughts.   
  
If it was that neighbor woman again... I'd tell her a thing or two this time. Obviously she didn't understand subtle hints. _'I'm a grown man, Ms. Hall, I don't need a mother hen treating me with cake and worried questions. I just want to be left alone, left in peace.'_   
  
Peace I didn't feel...  
  
During the time I needed to reach the door, the bell rang a fourth time. Prepared to say something *very* impolite to her -- for what I would have to apologize later -- I cracked the door open --   
  
-- and stared into deep brown eyes, which gazed at me with an inscrutable look.  
  
"Hey, Daniel", Jack said, a grin on his face that didn't reach his eyes.  
  
"H-hi", I managed, perplexed.  
  
"Thought you might share a beer with me."  
  
"I-I don't think I got some..."  
  
"Got that taken care of, Daniel." Jack lifted his hand and waved two bottles of his favorite brand in front of my face.  
  
"Mind if I come in?"  
  
'Yes' my mind shouted, but my mouth refused to work.  
  
Jack didn't bother to wait for an answer anyway. With a swift push he opened the door unceremoniously a little more and slipped in. I stepped back automatically and found myself staring at the back of his head as he entered the living room.  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
I jumped. With a 'click' my mind started to work again. Jack stood on the threshold, gazing at me with a very strange expression in his eyes. I must have presented a weird picture, as I stood there by the still open door, my hand still on the handle.  
  
"You okay?" Jack asked.  
  
I forced a smile on my face, hoping Jack couldn't read the thoughts behind my eyes.  
  
"Yeah, you just... surprised me," I said, trying to hold my voice steady. I closed the door and followed him inside the room.  
  
"I called you at least ten times, but you didn't answer the phone", he said.  
  
_'Of course not, Jack. I don't want to talk to anybody! Especially not to you!'_  
  
"Did I disturb you?"  
  
I shook my head, glad that Jack didn't switch on another light. For me the small lamp burning on my desk was more than enough.  
  
_'Yes, Jack, you do disturb me. Disturb my brooding, my useless turning thoughts over and over.'_  
  
Jack shoved a bottle in my hand and sat down on his favorite armchair, opening his own beer. After swallowing a good part of it he sighed.  
  
"Ah, this is always a good feeling, Daniel. The first gulp of a cold beer and time to relax."  
  
Relax?   
  
I sagged down on the couch, where I had spent the last hours and gazed at Jack. How did he manage to look actually relaxed? After what he had gone through?   
  
I felt my knees still weak, my hands still shaking, my stomach still aching, my mind still screaming...   
  
It was like a blow when I realized what I had done today. I managed to go through the hours after that anyhow, pretending everything was okay. But when I came home...   
  
I thought I had become tougher by now, but this image was simply drowned by one single act. I kept sinking down in the sea of my guilt until I would reach the bottom of despair. Drowning. Like the sub sunk deeper and deeper down into the sea I once again felt getting pulled down by my memories and emotions; I felt drowned. Had to force myself to breathe. No, I didn't feel like I could relax any more at all. Not after what I'd done. To Jack. And to Teal'c.  
  
"Don't you drink?"  
  
Jack bent forward, his eyes directed at me. There was something in his gaze... I couldn't recognize it exactly. Something was deep down inside his eyes that made them look almost black.   
  
"Um... yeah," I heard my voice say. Nervously I opened the bottle and took a sip, desperately hoping my stomach wouldn't spill the beer all over the carpet. I owed it to him. I owed it to Jack to join him with the beer. Because finally I understood. He wasn't relaxed at all. He was just good in pretending it. He came to me because he needed company. Even if it was the company of someone like me. Jack's sigh interrupted the silence that had spread out somehow for a while.  
  
"For crying out loud, I never believed I would ever hear myself say a thing like this, Daniel, but... I hardly heard a word from you after debriefing. Would you please talk to me *now*?"  
  
"S-sorry."  
  
_'Great, Mister'_ I heard a bitter voice in the back of my head telling me. _'Just great. You're a linguist, you're supposed to talk in twenty-three languages, and all you can croak out is a sorry? There's a friend sitting in front of you! A friend who survived a terrible experience only by pure chance, a friend who needs your company, needs you to help him to forget what he'd gone through today. So, hell, concentrate! Keep your own problems away 'til later!'_  
  
"Daniel?"  
  
"Sorry, Jack, I... I'm a bad host," I managed. "Um... what do you wanna talk about?"  
  
"Daniel, you okay?"  
  
I heard the concern in Jack's voice, saw his expression and was tempted to be honest. But I couldn't. I just couldn't burden him with my thoughts. So again I forced my lips to smile, hoping it would convince Jack.  
  
"I'm all right, Jack. Maybe just a little tired."  
  
"Well, yeah, I know, it's a little late, but I didn't think you were the type who starts to snore at ten pm."  
  
"It's okay, Jack. I wasn't going to sleep yet."  
  
"Hey, didn't you stay in bed for a week or so? Thought you'd had enough rest for quite some time."  
  
"Yeah, right, Jack. I rested while you and Sam and Teal'c risked your lives to save Earth."  
  
"Hey, hey, easy, Daniel. Why this bitterness? It wasn't your fault that you got an appendicitis. Besides, you just should be glad that you didn't have to deal with these techno-bugs. A very... unpleasant species."  
  
_'Unpleasant? Well, that's an understatement, Jack. You can't lie to me. I can see it in your eyes. You do remember too well. As I do. I never will forget the last pictures your video camera sent to the monitor, when you and Teal'c were searching the sub for this... mother bug. Will you see it in your dreams, Jack? Or do you avoid it and don't sleep? A method that works only for a short time. I know, Jack.'_  
  
"I wish I could've helped, Jack."  
  
"It's done and over, Daniel", Jack said and took another gulp, leaning back in the chair. "Forget about it. Hey, what about chess? Maybe it will divert our thoughts a bit, don't you think?"  
  
He rubbed his hands and grinned self-assured.  
  
"I don't think you'll have a chance today. No, I *know*, I'm gonna win this time."  
  
I nodded. Yes, that's for sure. Today I would have no chance to win the game. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the game. My mind's still busy with the incident today. What happened and what I did.   
  
"Chess?" I asked. "You sure?"  
  
"Yeah, why not?" Jack asked back and furrowed his brows. "Unless you..."  
  
"No. No, it's okay, Jack," I said and went to get the game. Didn't let him see my face.  
  
_'If you want chess, you'll get chess. You came here because you don't want to be alone. So chess is as good as anything to pass the time. I owe it to you. And I don't need to talk the whole time. How can I ever talk to you again, as if nothing's happened? As if we still are friends?'_  
  
Jack opened the game, I made my moves acting almost automatically. Maybe it wasn't that bad Jack chose to play chess. He was always thinking long before he made his move, gave me time to let my mind wander. To let me think about what could have been if things hadn't gone the way they actually went. But it was the same as during the whole day since I was back home. My thoughts always wandered back to that particular hour of today I never would forget. An hour that was added to the share of nightmares I already had. I didn't know if the game was actually distracting Jack, but it surely didn't distract me. No matter how hard I tried, my mind always ended up showing me the pictures of Jack getting attacked by the bugs, getting practically eaten up by them. If the torpedoes... the torpedoes, I gave the order to...  
  
"Will you stop doing that!"  
  
Jack's voice was like the crack of a whip. I jumped, roughly torn out of my dark thoughts. I looked at him, puzzled, realizing my fingers were pressed together around the top of the queen. Not understanding why Jack yelled at me I pulled back my hand.  
  
Jack heaved a big sigh.  
  
"Daniel? You're here with me again?"  
  
"Um... I... I..."  
  
"Daniel, you sat there for at least five minutes, staring a hole into the wall, trying to break the neck of the queen."  
  
"Sorry... was thinking..."  
  
"Stop it, will ya?"  
  
"Thinking?"  
  
"No! Feeling guilty."  
  
"F-feeling guilty?"  
  
"Yeah, damn. About the sub."  
  
"About the s-sub?"  
  
Jack rolled his eyes.  
  
"Hell, Daniel, stop parroting everything!"  
  
"S-sorry, didn't want to - "  
  
He silenced me with a long practiced look. Then his gaze changed. His brown eyes were filled with deep sorrow -- and pity? Why pity? For me? But that's not --  
  
And then suddenly I realized. I realized it wasn't because of him why he was sitting here. It was for the sake of me. Jack had bulldozed into my apartment and my dark mood because he knew very well that I wouldn't have let him in on free will. And because he didn't want me to stay alone tonight. Alone with my thoughts and the memories of today.  
  
"Jack, I..."  
  
Jack bent forward, his forearms resting on his thighs. He gazed at me with a look that made me crouch deeper into the cushions.  
  
"Daniel, stop blaming yourself."  
  
'God, this man can read me like a book.' I made a weak attempt to deny, but I knew already it was useless as soon as I spoke the first syllable.  
  
"I am..."  
  
"You are not guilty, Daniel."  
  
_'I am guilty, Jack. I gave the order to start the torpedoes. Davis was just waiting for me to say it. It was up to me. I sent the torpedoes that should blow up the sub you and Teal'c were in. I almost killed you. I did it. It was me.'_ I closed my eyes. I couldn't stand Jack's gaze any longer.  
  
He cleared his throat. His voice was soft as he spoke again.  
  
"Daniel, I know you're feeling guilty. You think you were to blame as the sub was blown to pieces -- and me and Teal'c as well?"  
  
_'Can he read my thoughts?'_  
  
"But may I remind you that you just followed my orders? I ordered you!"  
  
_'But that doesn't change anything, Jack.'_  
  
"I know, Daniel, that doesn't change the way you feel."  
  
_'He *can* read my mind!'_ I opened my eyes again. No need to keep them closed any longer, trying to hide something. Jack knew it already. I met his gaze. He still looked at me sympathetically.  
  
"I'll never forget it, Jack," I whispered.  
  
"I know, Daniel. I know." His voice was quiet, trembling almost imperceptible. He closed his eyes briefly, then he gazed at me again.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Y-you are sorry?"  
  
"Yeah. I never should've put you in such a situation, Daniel. I should've thought about it. Probably should've made sure that Davis was the only one in charge to give the order to start the torpedoes."  
  
"B-but you trusted me..."  
  
"Yeah, I trusted you, Daniel. But you're not a soldier. You take this too personally."  
  
"Too personally? Jack, I gave the order to blow up my friends and you tell me I shouldn't take it personally?"  
  
Jack raised both hands at my outburst.  
  
"Hey, easy, Daniel, calm down. See, what I mean? You're involved too much. You saw your team mates, your friends, and not only the danger of the situation. The threat to Earth."  
  
I stared at Jack, biting my lower lip to stop its trembling. I remembered just too clearly my emotions while I was staring at the monitors, watching Jack going down to his knees, the bugs crawling up to him, starting to eat him alive. I shivered with that thought.  
  
"Jack... I didn't know what to... I mean I-I knew what w-was necessary to do, but... I just couldn't decide to kill... I mean, I s-saw you struggle with these damned bugs... I hesitated... and I hoped so violently that something might h-happen to save you both..."  
  
My voice cracked and I cursed myself for being so weak. For stammering and being unable to explain this to Jack.  
  
But Jack understood.   
  
"You did all right, Daniel," he assured with a very calm voice. "You followed my order."  
  
"I -- I can't hide behind that order and pretend that everything's okay, Jack!"  
  
"No need to pretend, Daniel. Everything *is* okay. Nothing to blame yourself for."  
  
"You... you don't know h-how I'm feeling..."  
  
"I do," he said very quietly.  
  
"No... you don't."  
  
"I do, Daniel. Believe me."  
  
And then I saw it in his eyes. The pain, the sorrow, the haunting memories... Yes, he really understood my emotions. Did Jack go through a similar situation during his long military life? My curiosity never slept.  
  
"Did you... I mean, had you ever...?"  
  
"No questions. Please, Daniel."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Daniel, it's not always easy to obey orders," Jack said quietly. "No one knows better than a seasoned soldier like me. But sometimes there is no choice. No choice at all..."  
  
His voice faded, he cast down his eyes to the game board.  
  
"No choice," I whispered, blinking the tears away. Tears that wanted to be shed for what I had to do today... and for Jack. "I had no choice. I know. But it doesn't change the way I feel."  
  
"I know, Daniel. But you have to deal with it. You have to learn to deal with this. I know you can do it. Like I did."  
  
_'I don't know if I can deal with this, Jack. Deal with the fact that I gave the order to blow you and Teal'c up.'_  
  
Jack looked straight into my eyes when I didn't answer. His voice was calm and steady again.  
  
"Daniel, there was no other choice. You know what we've been up against. And I don't only mean the threat to earth."  
  
I swallowed. He was right.  
  
"It was... cruel, Jack", I said and felt my lower lip tremble again. "I watched you..."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Was this... w-why you tried to get the camera..."  
  
He didn't answer, but I saw it in his eyes. It wasn't just the fact that *I* would witness his death, he didn't want anybody see him getting eaten up alive by these bugs. Or putting a bullet in his brain on time. And get this even recorded. 'Oh, Jack how can you stay so calm thinking back?'  
  
"Daniel, please, it's over. Try to forget."  
  
_'Forget? Forget that I almost blew up my friends? Can you do it, Jack? Forget?'_  
  
Jack took in a deep breath and settled back in his seat again.  
  
"Daniel, stop brooding, will ya? Someone had to do the job, and it was me. So I did my job and you did yours. End of story."  
  
"That's it? End of story? Just... like that?"  
  
"Yeah, end of story, Daniel. It's done and over."  
  
Jack leaned forward again and gazed at me intently.  
  
"Just one more thing, Daniel." He paused. "I thank you."  
  
I winced.  
  
"Thank me? For sending the torpedoes after you?"  
  
"No." He smiled, and this time the smile reached his eyes, as well. "For hesitating."  
  
I didn't know what to say, found myself just staring at Jack.  
  
"I know, you had a damned hard time, sitting there and watching, knowing my order... but I'm kind of glad you hesitated like you did. A minute less... and the Asgard wouldn't have had the chance to beam us up."  
  
He paused, then he continued seriously.  
  
"So, Daniel, thank you for being Daniel."  
  
It was silent for some time.  
  
I was thinking over and over what Jack had told me. He really understood what I was feeling. He did. Something that I hardly ever expected from a hardboiled soldier like him. But he came to my place, knowing that I wasn't able to deal with the guilt all on my own. He tried to ease my mind, telling me, assuring me that I did the right thing. And at the same time knowing that it wouldn't be easy for me to deal with the memories. But I would have to. I couldn't let him down. He trusted me to get all right again. He had gone through worse things, had learned to deal with his own memories and nightmares, had let me take a look into his soul, which was a very rare experience, had shown me that it *was* possible to deal with such memories. So why shouldn't I give it at least a try? Try to accept and then bury the burning guilt. I owed it to Jack.  
  
Jack. There he sat, in the opposite chair, waiting for me to pull myself together. His beer forgotten, no silly jokes... he must have been very worried about me. So he probably wasn't just the hardboiled soldier he always pretended to be? But he shouldn't worry any longer. No.   
  
_'I have to live with it, Jack, and I will. I promise.'_  
  
But Jack wouldn't be Jack if he hadn't gotten impatient after some time watching me, getting no response. He shifted restlessly in his seat.  
  
"I don't pretend it's easy, Daniel, but I'm sure you're gonna make it. A nightmare more or less... that's nothing that bothers men like you and me, right?"  
  
"I wanted to blow you up and you're worried about my nightmares?"  
  
"Tell me there's nothing more I need to worry about, Daniel," he said, his eyes silently begging for the right answer.  
  
I hesitated for a moment, taking a quick check of my mind and emotions. Then I nodded.  
  
"Nothing more to worry about, Jack."  
  
"Sure? Don't lie to me. Please."  
  
"I'm sure, Jack. I think I'll need some time, but I'll deal with this."  
  
I didn't lie to Jack. I felt certain now. I would talk to Teal'c tomorrow, but I was pretty sure, he'd tell me the same things as Jack. Yes, I would handle this. Somehow. Maybe the image of being a little tougher wasn't so wrong after all?  
  
"You followed my orders, Daniel. Don't forget that."  
  
"Yes. I followed orders."  
  
"Don't let it be the last time, Daniel", Jack quipped, grinning now. "Do you think you could perhaps consider making it a habit? Could spare me a lot of gray hair."  
  
I couldn't help grinning now.  
  
"Yeah, and it could spare me a lot of yelling from a certain gray colonel."   
  
"Damned sure, Daniel. Speaking of gray... how about a toast to the Asgard? Ah, I just love these little guys!"  
  
He lifted his bottle and took a sip, then he pulled a face.  
  
"Argh, dishwater! Gross!"  
  
He eyed the bottle with disgust, then he looked at me.  
  
"How about a cold one?"  
  
"Sounds good, but I ain't got beer, you know."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But I'm a well trained soldier, remember? I'm expected to consider every possible threat." Jack rose and stepped towards the door. "I've got a cool box in my car."  
  
He must have parked right in front of the building, since he was back in no time. I heard the clinking of glass as he filled up my refrigerator. Seemed to be an XXL-sized cooler.  
  
Settled back into the cushions I finally realized they weren't needed any more to hide in. No more drowning. Surprisingly I felt more comfortable again. Well, at least I started to.  
  
With two fresh bottles Jack entered the living room and sat down again. He sighed. Really relaxed this time. I joined the toast to the Asgard, thanking them silently for stopping the terrible act I had started, actually feeling the tension wearing off.  
  
"How about finishing the game?" Jack asked, after he gulped down half the beer. "Since I'm on the winning side..."  
  
"Why not?" I checked the situation on the board, recognizing with surprise that concentration and determination were coming back. Yes, I was willing to fight again. And Jack would be the first one to know. "Um... about the winning side... I wouldn't be too sure, if I were you, Jack."  
  
"What?" He gave the game a quick scan. "No," he then said. "I'm gonna checkmate you, Daniel. Wait and see. And... please, try not to kill that poor queen again, will ya?"  
  
He really fought, yes, but I did as well. And the time went by, and the empty bottles were lined up beside the table, most of them at Jack's side. We did a lot of talking then, concentrating on the game only now and then, and maybe Jack at last regretted having persuaded me to talk at all, but I admitted I really appreciated his company now. Despite the fact I wasn't that much depressed any longer, I knew I wouldn't have gone well through the night on my own. I actually felt... well, secured was probably the right expression.  
  
Honestly, I didn't know who was supposed to win the game. At dawn we both found ourselves waking up on the couch and the armchair, rather tired and with aching backs and limbs, the game pieces scattered all over the table. Don't know whether Jack or me had thrown them off while sleeping.  
  
But none of us gave a damn. We had life to live ahead of us.   


  
**-- End --**


End file.
